I finally caught on to the meaning of the "me, too" postings on Facebook. Any woman who has been sexually harassed or assaulted is posting it. And, yes, I posted it as well. I don't think I know a woman, any woman, who has not been threatened or sexually assaulted. It may sound like an outrageous claim, but believe me, as a 60 year old, this is the truth of womens lives. The incidents range from being sexually pestered at work, to horrific gang rape, and everything in between.
Rape is still a weapon of war the world over. Case in point, Myanmar. Is this in men's DNA?
A man recently told me he thinks men in this country (USA) are brought up to be sexually aggressive towards women, in order to demonstrate their power and display their virility. I'm not sure this is an explicit message, but if you look at the male female dynamic in many popular films, you'll see it. If boys grow up witnessing this behavior from the men around them, then they are being taught.
The disclosures about the movie mogul Weinstein's crimes against women are bringing forward a lot of stories and comments from women in the entertainment business, and from everyday women like myself and my friends. One very striking quote, "And the kicker is, these perpetrators are often our friends, our coworkers, our family." I'm paraphrasing. We not only have to be hyper aware of danger from strangers, but from the very men we spend our daily lives with, and trust.
An uncle, a grandfather, a cousin, a brother, a father, a teacher, a priest, the boy next door.
Once again, it is women who are talking about the problem. Where are our male comrades in arms, now? Men are, by and large, overwhelmingly, the perpetrators but it is the women who must call out the problem.
I'd like to see a Facebook post campaign of "I did. I have." or some such admission by men who have knowingly harassed a woman for sexual purposes, or have sexually assaulted a woman. I mean, if every woman I know has been a victim, there are corresponding male perpetrators out there, right? I'm tired of women carrying the weight on this.
I want men to step up and own their own behavior. I'm not sure they are up to the task.
I want men to acknowledge that they are the problem. That they need to change. I'm fairly pessimistic this will happen. But I'm putting it out there anyway.
The ball is in your court, guys.
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I'm going back in time, once again, to visit my great great aunt, Lou Goodale Bigelow. I knew "Aunty Lou," and would visit ...
Well, you're not going to see those "I did it" posts from men. They could be admitting a crime. They could be admitting something that could ruin their careers, or their more mature and thoughtful lives. They could -- many could -- just not see that things they did were actually harmful.
ReplyDeleteI sadly cannot think of any women who haven't been sexually harassed, or worse.
But it is also true that when a woman speaks out about the particulars, that can bring the whole damned thing up again (or, all the things), and maybe a person can't afford more angst right now. So it's OK if women (and men who have been harassed and abused) do not want to trot all that out in public.
It is good to know we are not alone, though.
xoxo
so true, I don't want to share particulars. And no woman should feel obligated to. Just the simple admission is enough. It is to bring awareness to how wide spread the problem is.
DeleteAt FB, I saw it but I don't consider myself to be one it happened to. I've had men chase me around for a kiss-- that they never got. Had a cousin touch me way inappropriately-- I moved away and he never did it again. I've had men say things that were out of line-- happened most Mexico where the culture has this macho thing going. I never saw myself though as being abused like some have been. In my life, I wasn't in a weak position, I think, never dated an abusive guy. I've heard terrible stories from friends for what happened to them (sometimes with men they regarded as friends until that). Out here when we had a pastor who got out of line, he seemed to know the women who had victimized in the past, like a wolf, he scented it out. He though never got out of line to me. Statistically I had read some years back that 25% of women have been in one way or another assaulted and a little less than 10% of the men. I think one thing that led to my not having such experiences was a very protective father, marrying fairly early and not working outside the home. Workplace seems to be a bad spot for someone taking advantage of power.
ReplyDeleteI'm troubled my your assertion that you weren't in a weak position. It implies (to me anyway) that women who were assaulted were in a weak position. Was the woman walking home from the train in SF in a weak position because she was going home from work? Was the woman at a party who got sexually assaulted by several men in a weak position? Was I in a weak position because the cook at a restaurant where I worked groped me in the walk-in refrigerator? These are women just leading their lives. I hope you are not implying that somehow they are responsible for the circumstance of their assault. I don't think you are, but your comment might be interpreted that way.
DeleteNo, I didn't mean it was the woman's fault. Not my young cousin whose cousin used her or a young woman out here whose brother raped her repeatedly. I just meant I was not in a vulnerable position where it could happen. My mom said an old man hung around our farm when I was small but she watched like a hawk. I don't blame parents either as a lot of times we are clueless to the ones most risky. A neighbor boy was assaulted by a teen in our church, good friend and baby sitting.
DeleteWho knew and when the boy's mother found out, we became part of the help with the situation when the teen was charged and had to do jail time. I can only repeat that i was not assaulted and some was because I didn't have to work outside the home where a lot happens and i was lucky in my family. Anybody can end up in a weak position and it's when a predator can take advantage. Luck may play a role.
Because I wrote a book about a man who had been sexually abused as a boy, I did a fair amount of research for the results of it on an adult. Most abusers were family members sad to say. The attitude toward the men was it shouldn't have bothered them because they were men but it does because abuse is about power not so much sex. My hero had a lot of ways it was ruining his relationship with his wife, all of which I got from the books I read. I have to say after I wrote the book, I got rid of the books. Too sad to keep stories like that where it's the ones you should trust the most. Two of the cases of women I know well, both women died by the way younger than they should have, it was also family members. One was a cousin of mine and one of our cousins used her but I never knew it until a few years ago. I think it very much hurt her life in terms of trust. I don't know that the cousin (was not the one who touched me wrong) has ever felt guilt for it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I was groped by the cousin but I don't feel it was to the level of other things I know about. I did not feel assaulted but rather that just stay away from him in the future-- and i did. It was more for me a weird experience than a traumatizing one-- partly because it didn't keep happening.
ReplyDeleteI thought about deleting these comments because it's not what is wanted right now. I don't have a personal story to share. If you want to delete them, feel free. I kind of did it because I know about what has happened based on stories from friends and didn't want people to think I was reluctant to share it as part of a healing for the country. I don't have a real story of my own and should have stayed out of this here as I have at FB
ReplyDeleteNo worries, Rain. We're having a discussion and your comments are fine. I just took issue with the one expression. You explained, and I understand. xo
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ReplyDeleteit is a common wisdom, (arguably not correct) that men are supposed to be forward . Often they are brought up this way, at least by example.. But nowhere is it made clear what is forward and what is aggressive, if there is, in fact, a difference. Of course meaning is likely to differ from person to person. If this is even close to being correct, it may help explain why so often things go wrong. Men clearly do not know what is proper and acceptable, forward, aggressive. What is clear and sad, is that they often get it very wrong.
ReplyDeleteThe media rarely report that a man did something to a woman; usually that a woman had something done to her. This follows your comment that men need to step up and take accountability. They are the problem, they need to change.
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I think so too.
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