Monday, July 30, 2018

Monday Musings

Weird.  Some things never change.

I had a friend, back in the Dark Ages, when we were 19 & 20 years old.  I thought she was cool, fun, funny and smart.  I had a girl crush on her.  We really had a moment where it felt as though we were falling in love.  We didn't speak about it, of course, until it was all over and too late.

Then she moved in with my ex-boyfriend.  I was jealous.  I said some very rude and cruel things to her.  They were experiencing their love (not to last long, of course, as he moved from best friend to best friend) and he shared some of our 'greatest hits' in the pain department with her.  She decided I was a terrible person and she told me so.  My behavior contributed to this. The friendship was over.  It broke my heart, truly.  I could care less about him at this point, but I wanted my friendship with her.  I wanted our friendship long after she broke it off in a cruel and blunt way.

We had and continue to have a few mutual friends.  They love her to death.  I can understand. 

I've had some interactions with her in the intervening decades, and each time I felt dismissed.  Utterly small.  I can't talk with her candidly about it because I know she'd shoot me down and call me names, perhaps, "Snowflake."  I have to accept that, for whatever reasons, she just really does not like me.  At all.  That's a bitter pill.  I wish I didn't feel so drawn to her.  I have no reason to feel drawn to her -- we have not been compatriots for four bloody decades!!  What is this thing I'm feeling?

I so wish that, way back then, I could have handled the whole thing much differently.  If I could take back my bad behavior, and all that.  I was a seriously insecure person, and did not take rejection (real or perceived) at all well.  Each romantic break-up caused me to behave badly and to debase myself shamelessly.  I hurt people and caused them pain and confusion.  If only I could have risen above it all and been self-contained and mature.  But I did not have it in me at that tender age.  I regret that.

I have recently experienced, again, a small little dismissal by her majesty, and I'm really pissed off that I'm pissed off.  Enough already.  I donated to a project of hers last year, a kind of peace offering on my part.  And because I believed in her project.  Still, she rejects me.

Okay. Okay!  I get it!  I have it in me, now, to be above it all (at least publicly).  I'm going to disengage and remind myself that this is nothing new, but I can move past it and don't have to react like I did 40 years ago.  I've moved along.  I've grown up.

So why does it still bite?




7 comments:

  1. Interesting and complicated story. It surprises me that after all these years she doesn't know how to sincerely forgive. It seems pretty cruel. It may be time to let go... do a nice little farewell in your heart, burn some incense, and make peace with yourself.

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    1. I agree completely. And, it occurred to me after writing this, that maybe MY words to her cut her so deeply that she just doesn't trust me any more. Even taking into account our youth. Who knows? Not my circus, not my monkeys.

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  2. (((((( Tara )))))) Robin has some wise thoughts. You gave an opening to at least have a warmer and more civil friendship, and I'm sorry she dismissed it. A friendship needs to be mutual, and she's not there now. xoxox

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    1. yep. she's not been there in decades. I'm like a dog with a bone on this one. Time to bury that bone real, real deep and walk away from the stink.

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  3. What a bitter person she must be to hold a grudge for such a long time. She is totally not worthy of your time and certainly not any ability to hurt you. I do hope you can let it go and forgive yourself for any wrongdoing you may think you did in your youth.

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    1. thank you for your kind words. I do forgive myself. I was young and stupid and fearful of so many things. If I had been capable of taking a breath and stepping back, ah, that would have been grand. I can do it now. Of that I am glad.

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  4. Yup. Bury that bone and move on -- and focus on the many good people in our life. Some people or situations will always be a source of brain damage. Being able to walk away is an important survival skill.

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