Much like the beginning of the pandemic in March 2019, some of my dreams lately have turned decidedly dark.  So horrific that when I wake I get out of bed like a kid running from a monster.  I do not want to go back to sleep.  Instead, I make coffee and have a bite and start my day, no matter the time.

The other night, I was a award winning (of course) top world scientist who was experiencing a psychotic break. Having never experienced one myself, I was surprised to come to this conclusion when I awoke.  A complete break with reality was happening to this dream character: I was circling a parking lot over and over looking for my car and I couldn't find it.  Then I realized I was actually in it.  In the car I was desperately searching for.  I couldn't find my way home in the night.  I was panicked because my baby daughter was home alone.  I was picked up by the police for driving and behaving erratically.  Instead of taking me to a hospital they took me to the police station when I had to wait for hours to be processed.  I had a foot high stack of books and papers, balancing an iPad and iPhone on top of it all.  Every time they moved me, I had to gather up this slippery stack to the next seat.  I felt as if I were on some kind of hallucinogen, watching water coolers and coffee machines melt.  By the time I had my interview, I was surprised (and relieved) that it was a psychologist.  As I was pleading with him to send a car out to get my baby daughter (who had at this point been alone for hours), I realized with a thunder clap that I didn't have a baby daughter:  she was a grown woman now.  She was okay.  I was panicked for nothing.  How could I have forgotten?  I felt my head clearing and was amazed at the very crazy journey I had been on.

Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me I've been sleeping too much.  And I have.  It seems a better choice than alcohol or endless television.  I start with a meditation, lying down, and drift into sleep.  I want to withdraw from the world, because the world aint offering much these days.  Both my grandchildren have Covid-19, one vaccinated and the other not (too young).  I canceled a trip to the theater to see a live show, even though they required proof of vaccination and masks.  Just feels too risky right now to pack myself into a crowded theater.  Like many parts of the country, we have our highest numbers ever.  

I did manage to put away the Christmas tree today.  That's been weighing on my for a week.  

My daughter had her 34th birthday a few days ago.  No in-person celebration, but her 10 year old son played cameraman on FaceTime when she opened my gifts and blew out her candles.  She had a stack of donuts instead of a cake!

Outside, it's a beautiful sunny day with snow on the ground and ice forming on the sidewalks and streets.  I love the snow, do not like the ice.  I've had enough falling!  I enjoy the outside from my chair by the front windows, reading a book and drinking hot chocolate.

And so it goes.  Nightmares and moments of contentment.