Sunday, January 9, 2022

Much like the beginning of the pandemic in March 2019, some of my dreams lately have turned decidedly dark.  So horrific that when I wake I get out of bed like a kid running from a monster.  I do not want to go back to sleep.  Instead, I make coffee and have a bite and start my day, no matter the time.

The other night, I was a award winning (of course) top world scientist who was experiencing a psychotic break. Having never experienced one myself, I was surprised to come to this conclusion when I awoke.  A complete break with reality was happening to this dream character: I was circling a parking lot over and over looking for my car and I couldn't find it.  Then I realized I was actually in it.  In the car I was desperately searching for.  I couldn't find my way home in the night.  I was panicked because my baby daughter was home alone.  I was picked up by the police for driving and behaving erratically.  Instead of taking me to a hospital they took me to the police station when I had to wait for hours to be processed.  I had a foot high stack of books and papers, balancing an iPad and iPhone on top of it all.  Every time they moved me, I had to gather up this slippery stack to the next seat.  I felt as if I were on some kind of hallucinogen, watching water coolers and coffee machines melt.  By the time I had my interview, I was surprised (and relieved) that it was a psychologist.  As I was pleading with him to send a car out to get my baby daughter (who had at this point been alone for hours), I realized with a thunder clap that I didn't have a baby daughter:  she was a grown woman now.  She was okay.  I was panicked for nothing.  How could I have forgotten?  I felt my head clearing and was amazed at the very crazy journey I had been on.

Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me I've been sleeping too much.  And I have.  It seems a better choice than alcohol or endless television.  I start with a meditation, lying down, and drift into sleep.  I want to withdraw from the world, because the world aint offering much these days.  Both my grandchildren have Covid-19, one vaccinated and the other not (too young).  I canceled a trip to the theater to see a live show, even though they required proof of vaccination and masks.  Just feels too risky right now to pack myself into a crowded theater.  Like many parts of the country, we have our highest numbers ever.  

I did manage to put away the Christmas tree today.  That's been weighing on my for a week.  

My daughter had her 34th birthday a few days ago.  No in-person celebration, but her 10 year old son played cameraman on FaceTime when she opened my gifts and blew out her candles.  She had a stack of donuts instead of a cake!

Outside, it's a beautiful sunny day with snow on the ground and ice forming on the sidewalks and streets.  I love the snow, do not like the ice.  I've had enough falling!  I enjoy the outside from my chair by the front windows, reading a book and drinking hot chocolate.

And so it goes.  Nightmares and moments of contentment.


2 comments:

  1. Wow, Tara, reading that nightmare made me almost glad that I no longer remember a single moment of my dreams anymore. Yikes. That really was a nightmare.
    We are living in such difficult times. It is hard to stay sane and calm. I am so sorry that the grandkids have tested positive for Covid. I'm starting to see more of that from friends with grandkids. It's so sad. We gathered with the grandkids yesterday, and now I'm worried. They're fine, but you never know what's going to happen these days.
    Take care there. Enjoy your sunshiny days and snow.

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  2. I hope your grandkids are better soon. It seems we all know know several people with covid at any given moment. I've had nightmares like the one you describe. Oh the panic, the relief to wake up and realize it was just a dream. The world is resetting itself it seems. Everything is changing, has changed. Love remains, so there is that. Hugs.

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