Happy Halloween!

One Laughs, One Barfs        by Tara Crowley

Wordless Wednesday

The Antidote to Co-Dependency

Gawd but I love her.  I've been doing a lot of reading and soul searching around my co-dependency issues.  I know, I know, the term gets bandied about like nobodies business.  But do you really understand what it defines?  Look it up.  It's the root of all addictive behaviors.  We all have it.  It's about healthy boundaries, self respect and self love.

I've been reading Melody Beattie's book "Codependent's Guide to the 12 Steps."  So many revelations in there.  But I am having terrible struggles with the whole God concept.  The 12 steps allow one to define God in whatever way makes sense to them.  But then they emphasize a personal God to whom you can had over your burdens.  See?  That makes no sense to me.  The closest I can get to a concept of God is the collective universe, all the sentient beings who have ever lived.  But I seriously doubt they have a personal interest in my well-being.  Nor should they.  They're doing their thing, they are done with this earthly journey.

I found this image on Facebook this morning and it dovetailed perfectly with the reading I did last night. It's humorous, and absolutely spot on.

Not A Warrior

I wrote this in January of this year.  A turning point.  I am amazed how often lessons may need to be repeated. 

Living in self imposed servitude

Denying my best impulses

Giving in to the path of least resistance,

Which turned out to be the most difficult of all.

But at least I was not alone.

The Fool, I was.  The Fool I embraced.

Moth to the flame.

Bugs on the windshield.

My place in the world so small

So unbelievably insignificant.

My feminist persona kept them fooled

Indeed kept me in the dark

I wasted time and years and heartbeats

Because I could not face myself.

My fear of the wide world,

How would I survive?

I was the queen of bravado

Masking the frightened child inside.

when I confessed my enslavement,

she asked “Why? You’re an intelligent woman.” 

Monumental shame rose hot on my face.

Intelligence has nothing to do with self-flagellation.

I will not repeat the past,

encumbered by a lover who promises paradise,

(who can do that for anybody?) and delivers nightmares.

Time to find my own land of lessons and gifts.

Time for me to stand up, to walk

1,000 miles in the wilderness

with ragged boots and small provisions.

Kick my ass, will you?  Kick it hard.

Show me the terror and the beauty

We all possess, the strength we must earn.

Fucking boot camp.  Boot camp for Life.

Sign me up.

I want to be a warrior.

TGIF

It's Friday and I've already done a typical 'weekend' thing.  Stayed with a friend in St. Helena (Napa Valley).  We took a walk yesterday around the nearby vineyards, and today a walk through the Catholic Cemetery near his home.  Here's the view out the back about 7:30 a.m.

The entire valley is a beautiful place; St. Helena exceptionally so.  And the front and back yard of this house is like a healing sanctuary with water sounds and plenty of birds.

This morning we walked the cemetery wherein lie some of the revered of St. Helena - the famous old wine families that have been there for generations.  Lavish head stones and crypts.  Being there got me thinking, and us talking about how we think our lives are so very important and in the end we end up dead - no more.  My friend recently lost his mother to cancer.  It wasn't a sad conversation, just an acknowledgment that we all end up "six feet under" and that this life is likely all we get.  I started thinking about all the years of blogging I've done, and, oh my gawd, what if all that blogging got erased by the Internet?  Maybe I should print the whole thing out?  And then...I thought...what does it matter?  But then I remember the memoirs of one of my ancestors and her family life homesteading with her husband and children in 1910.  Rich memories of every day occurrences.  Barn dances and barn burnings; neighbor helping neighbor; the sod house which was their first dwelling.  It meant a lot to me to read that.  They are no more, but their lives live on through their stories.

So, a lovely, albeit short, visit with a good friend.  Thoughtful conversations, watching the night sky from the hot tub, sleeping like a baby.  As they say, "Priceless."

Hope you have a lovely weekend and appreciate this life we have.  We have it good, my friends.

Good Healing

I'm not really one for prayers. Kind thoughts, fervent wishes for good things to come of bad, absolutely. So when a friend reached out today for prayers for her injured brother, I went straight to the Medicine Buddha.  I have been chanting the mantra of the lovely blue Buddha for a few months now, in my Sunday afternoon group.  It is truly healing and I find myself thinking of it often. No longer need to look at the book to keep up - I am the leader of the band!

Tayata
Om Bekandze Bekandze
Maha Bekandze
Radza Samudgate Soha

The mantra means:
May the many sentient beings
who are sick,
quickly be freed from sickness.
And may all the sicknesses of beings
Never arise again.

We all have our unique ways of coping with illness (our and others').  I have heard miracle stories of prayer than I can't understand or explain, but I believe that the collective good, loving, healing intentions of others is a powerful thing.   

What do you turn to when the need arises?

Wordless Wednesday

Of Cars and Cameras

Well, the Prius is being towed to the dealer because it is deader than the proverbial doornail. Who knows what's wrong, but I'm hoping it's an easy fix that doesn't require that I sell my firstborn to pay for it. She'd probably have a problem with that.

On the sunny side of life, I've connected with a small, new art gallery in Ashland Oregon and they are interested in representing some of my work.  Of all the art galleries in all the world, I happened to get turned onto one in Ashland.  Love that town.

I've had wood framed canvas prints made out of a couple of my images, and I think for some photos this method of display will work nicely, like this one.  12 x 12 and ready to hang.

I've been walking my new neighborhood a lot, and will be posting photos on my Wordless Wednesday posts.  Great old houses, fun Halloween decorations (this town knows how to do Halloween) and lots of tree shots, of course, in the City of Trees.  Having a ton of fun!

TGIF

I'm feeling thankful for the children this week.  This group was at the Zoo and they were having a blast.  They had a list (like a scavenger hunt) to check off the animals they had seen.  Their enthusiasm was infectious.   I was there with my own class.  The learning never ends!

I also spoke in front of two classes of 9th graders at a local high school.  I'm a speaker for Stop Stigma Sacramento and this was my first gig.  The kids bounced into the classroom, full of that energy that only 13 and 14 year olds have.  Their teacher reminded them many times to settle down, to pay attention and give respect to their guest speakers.  I was first up in both classes.  I spoke without notes, because I'm used to public speaking, and I know that reading off a paper in front of teenagers is going to put them to sleep, pronto.  Well, I really engaged them and they asked great questions.  There I was, presenting myself to a group of people as a person with mental illness: clinical depression.  I talked about how good my life has been, despite having this illness; I spoke about having diabetes and how there isn't stigma attached to that, so why should there be stigma attached to mental illness?  Our job as speakers is to show our audience the real face of mental illness.  Everyday people.  Just like me.  Like the organization's motto says, "Mental Illness: It's Not What You Think."  We also provide information on how kids can get more information and help if they need it.

The kids were respectful, curious, and attentive.  They also revealed information about themselves that took courage to say.  They give me hope for the future.

Hope your future weekend is a good one!  Go hang out with some kids!

Moved

Moving.  Is there anything more horrific?  Even with my relatively few items and a very small household, moving was an ordeal.  And I was very organized.  Things are coming together, but I won't have internet service until next Thursday.  I'm at the folks' right now which is why I can post at all.

The day after my move, I had a speaking engagement in the morning.  I'm a motivational speaker for Stop Stigma Sacramento and I spoke to two classes of 9th grade students.  They were engaged and had lots of questions.  I loved it.

The next day I had a morning photo field trip at the Sacramento Zoo.  The subject was "Humor."  Here's my humor shot:

Though, I like this one, too.  My teacher preferred the first one, though he understood why the second one is funny. Other students took much more hilarious photos.  Oh well.  More power to 'em.

My teacher has also sold me, literally, on the Fujfilm X-E1 camera, which is on mega sale right now at B&H in NYC.  It's an expensive camera, but I've seen what it can do and I'm impressed.  And it is light-weight.  Google it if you're interested.  It's a mirror-less digital camera, with excellent lenses and amazing resolution -- you can enlarge digital images to very large sizes without losing quality.  That's been a problem so far for me with my Cannon Rebel XL.  Anything larger than an 8x10 doesn't look good.  It's a big investment, but it's the logical choice in my continuing adventure with photography.

So, whew, I'm exhausted from moving, but I'm uber happy about it all.  And I'm loving my photo class.  And I'm dating a wonderful woman.  And I spent a lot of money on kitchen equipment -- I left everything with my ex. 

Except my Kitchen Aid mixer. 

Over my dead body.

Beautiful Boy

Yesterday I took a hike at a local wildlife refuge.  They have a visitors center where they keep a couple of birds that cannot be returned to the wild.  This American Kestral is 11 years old and he is a diminutive thing, and oh so beautiful.  Kestrals are the smallest falcons in America.

Click to enlarge for the real feel of this lovely fellow.  He was screeching at some birds that were flying by -- screeching right next to my ear.  What a great sound.

It was a perfect day, at one of my favorite hiking spots.  It's in Carmichael, which is a very wealthy area north of Sacramento, and you travel through these palatial neighbors before you get to the wildlife area.  Which is right next to a golf course.  Where they probably use all kinds of chemicals to keep the grass perfect. 

One of the many snags in the area, which is home to woodpeckers who have drilled so many holes in the wood it looks like a shooting gallery.  But there they store their acorns and keep their nests.

Many deer prints were about, and we actually spotted a fox running through the tall grass.  Sneaky little thing, darting his way along, keeping low so as not to be spotted.  Too fast and far away for a photo.  Drat.

I was with my friend J., who kayaks and also has a canoe.  We are planning a trip back with the canoe to spend the day on the river.

Life is Good. 

"In wilderness is the preservation of the world." HD Thoreau.  Well, I don't know about the world, but it does my soul a world of good.