I woke up with blood sugars (BS) of 445. That's very high. Stress is a bitch when you are diabetic -- it kicks in your fight or flight responses and tells your liver to get ready to release glucose for your muscles in order to, you know, fight or run like hell. It's a mind/body thing.
I stopped by my parents' house yesterday after breakfast, just to chat with them about additional
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| He looks harmless enough |
They have enough on their plates, they don't need to worry about my worry. I have already told them I cannot continue to care for mother while dad is away on extended trips. I wish I could and it was the most painful thing to conclude that my body and brain are simply not up to it. It feels as if I am failing them.
I came home yesterday in a fog. It's a profound frustration to watch them struggle and create some of their own dilemmas. To have a caregiver there that they won't let do the things she could do to make their lives easier. Dad cannot give up control of the kitchen and cooking meals. He is too exacting and too particular about the way food is to be prepared and presented. He harbors grudges against her lack of attention to certain tasks, but doesn't speak to her about it. And so it goes. It's just too painful to watch.
I am fantasizing what it would be like to not see them for weeks on end. An absolutely selfish dream, but one that I have nevertheless. Let their next health crisis happen without me. I'll be on a beach in Costa Rica. Hiking the Ballycotton Cliffs in Cork, Ireland. Or just staring at my navel under the cedar tree out front. In the short term, I'm going to visit my daughter and her family for a little R&R. Chat with my grandson about the joys of Kindergarten. Feel L.'s belly to see if her lil' peanut is rolling around inside. Have a beer with my son-in-law. Ah.
You are wise for understanding this. Caregivers often die first; so sometimes a person has to let this sort of thing go when the one needing help denies you. Take care of you, Tara. You are precious and in the end, you are the only one you can truly help. They need to recognize their situation. I worry about it for myself hoping I will recognize my own needs at the time. It's not easy for you or the oldsters.
ReplyDeleteNo, it is not selfish. You cannot risk your own health responding to the crises they make for themselves. Enjoy the visit with your daughter and grandson.
ReplyDeleteSending love to you, Tara. There came a time, seven years after our mother died, when I came to the end of my ability to be the only family member available to help my father. It took a case of shingles in the spring of 2001 for me get to the point where I could say to my father, "I am exhausted. I can't help you anymore." He was 88 years old, was living in an assisted living apartment and was mentally and financially able to take care of himself. That August, I received a phone call letting me know that he was in the hospital again with heart problems, and I knew I could not go through another round with him and his emotional abuse, confirmed by several medical professionals. I called my sister in Seattle and said, "You are going to have to help Dad. I can't." A week or so later, he made the decision to move to Seattle. My sister and brother-in-law picked up where I let go. He lived for another 1-1/2 years in an assisted living apartment in Seattle. Our relationship improved during that time, although it took a long time before I wasn't physically and emotionally exhausted. I did all I could until I couldn't do anymore. If I could do things differently, I would have called on my sisters before my health was compromised. This isn't advice. This is just the story of how it was for me and my family. Good to know that you will be spending time with your daughter and her family soon.
ReplyDeleteThat's for sure, not easy for anyone. I am enjoying my time away, walking by the beach and taking pictures.
DeleteIt is definitely challenging in so many ways to be the caregiver. I understand the absolutely necessity to take care of yourself. I'm sure your time with L and the family will be restorative in every way. Take care, my good friend.
ReplyDeleteWent to the shuttered Boardwalk today and took pictures. 75 beautiful degrees and sunny. Took pics of a volley ball game on the sand. Quite relaxing.
Deleteglad you can take a break, and totally relax. The unending pressure, not good, you have handled it so smoothly. Can't wait to see your photos.
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