TGIF

Howdy Friends.  A helluva week, I tell you.  Get thee to a retreat.  A 'health spa' if you will.  Somewhere where people will feed me excellent food that will nourish and restore me.  I want someone to lay hands on me and massage my muscles into oblivion.  Someplace I may cry freely without reproach.  Wash me clean.  Soak me in mud baths and wash me clean once again.

I am awash in self pity and I don't want to be.  I have some heart issues going on.  They don't pose any immediate danger, but they are troublesome and require additional investigation and probably medication to stabilize my heart's irregular beating.

All discovered on an EKG that my doc did when I went in for my persistent cough and chest cold.  He packed me off to a (very nice and approachable) Cardiologist.  Cardi says that alcohol and caffeine exacerbate the problem so I should cut down and cut out these substances.

Want to know one of the weird things?  She looked back on EKG history and says these issues have been going on for 5 years, just not to this degree.  So, I have withstood the test of time my friends.  I have know about my PVC condition but was told it was nothing to be concerned about.  Premature Ventricular Contractions are common, especially as we age, and are pretty benign when they occur on occasion.  Mine happened so rarely that it took many EKG to finally see one.  My latest two EKG show them happening all the time, sometimes right on top of one another.

I have an echo cardiogram scheduled, and a monitor which requires wearing for 24 hours to continuously monitor.  Trying to see the frequency of the PVC.  I reassure myself that this isn't critical, since testing is many weeks out and another appointment with cardiologist is in August.  In the meantime, I am trying not to borrow trouble, but this is troubling.  I fucking hate this.

In the meantime....we ventured into San Francisco yesterday with some new friends.  We took our favorite trip on the Vallejo Ferry and grabbed a Lyft ride to Aliotto's restaurant on Fisherman's wharf.

Bye Bye, you crazy city

I ate an anniversary lunch of sorts.  Seven years ago I sat in this same restaurant, in a very different phase of my life. I was drinking a gin martini (as if there is any other kind) and eating Oysters Rockefeller for the very first time.  It was a memorable day for many reasons, and I was on the cusp of great change.  Little did I understand it at the time.  I wanted to go back and recreate the  meal (yes, martini and all) to mark and celebrate the good choices I've made since then.  (Perhaps the martini wasn't a good choice yesterday, but dammit.)  It felt marvelous being there with my husband and a couple of new friends.  A sort of "Look, Ma!" moment.  The weather was breezy and a tad chilly, but the sun was out and we were happy.  Put that in your memory cache.

Then, and then, this morning, the second suicide this week of another famous celebrity.  I actually cried.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe because he was my age.  She was close to my age.  Maybe because it seemed they had so much good going on, so much to live for.  I just heard the stats on increasing suicides for middle aged people in this country.  It's been climbing for more than a decade.

I have friends who may be 'triggered' by these deaths, just as the increased number of suicides after Robin Williams took his life.  I worry about them.  I'm reaching out.  We are all so fragile and near the edge of a desperate decision.  A permanent solution to a temporary problem, they say.  But the thing is, many people who commit suicide have been in their 'temporary problem' for an unbearable amount of time, and are never fully free of it.  All they want is the pain to end.

So, bless them, perhaps they are now at peace.  They've left a enormous gash of grief for others to bear now.  Anger wells up in me for their 'selfishness' but I also know that the act goes beyond any such categorization. 

So, wow, yeah.  How about that week?  I'm going to be kind to myself today.  I'm going to do something for someone else today.

And I'm going to get on line and look at some spa retreats, because I can.  Because I'm bleedin' lucky enough to be able to do this.  I know this.

Be kind to yourself today, and if moved, share with me what you did for your body and soul.

Adieu.