Gone Fishing

I'm visiting the grand kids (oh, and their parents) in beautiful Colorado for a couple of weeks.  So, I won't be writing here for awhile.  Drop back in sometime in August for the latest and greatest.  In the meantime, peace to you.

Monday Musings

Health. Or disease. Sheesh. I have more than my share of disease of late.  I'm doing a lot of medical testing, and the latest Dexa scans show that, in four years, my osteopenia in my lower spine and left hip has morphed into significant osteoporosis.  I have yet to consult with my doctor, I've just received the news today.  I have much research to do.

I had my parathyroid glands scanned again today to pinpoint the size and location of the growth that is on one of them.  It's of significant size and will need to be surgically removed.  It also seems there are growths on my thyroid which will need to be biopsied. 

My weight loss journey continues, and I have worked diligently for 52 days for a mere 6 lbs loss.  Better than nothing, but....

It's all getting to be too much, and boring all at the same time.  Yawn.

I'm getting a two week break this week and flying to Colorado to visit the grand kids.  The doctors will do their consulting and surgery scheduling and I can keep in touch on-line.  Meanwhile, I will hope for good days that are relatively pain free so I can enjoy my family and friends on my vacation.

The husband and I had a good talk today about the shock and denial that can come with serious diagnosis of disease.  I mean, I've had diabetes for 28 years and sometimes I still throw a fit and/or pity party about all the adjustments this disease requires.  He, on the other hand, has been healthy his entire life, and then gets a diagnosis of Parkinson's.  Still trying to wrap his head around that one.  And THAT stupid disease just keeps throwing curve balls at him which require re-evaluation and adjustment.  

So, with all this news, let me say, I'm working on keeping my spirits up.  With movies, books, and silly things like this:

Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think; just believe that everything will work out in the end.

TGIF

Especially now, with the current President's rampant racism. It's important to remember that once upon a time, our President sang "Amazing Grace." Leave it to Joan Baez to bring us such soulful music about very hard times. It's a sad and frightening time, my friends. I weep most every day with the frustration that comes with watching the country you love disintegrate into bedlam. All needless and avoidable if those who hate could somehow come to see the light. I rely upon my friends, and uplifting music, and the arts, and CBW Sunday Morning. No kidding! I'm also reading dystopian science fiction, which suits my mood right now. What keeps your head above the stinking cesspool?

Monday Musings

Saturday my husband and I escaped for a little while and took a drive down Hwy 113.  It's a two lane affair that winds through the little down of Dixon and then south to Rio Vista.  It's the land of cattle and sheep ranches, giant wind turbines (which, I've heard cause cancer!) and at this time of year the rolling hills are the quintessential California gold color.  The last time we took this trip it was spring, bright green fields with poppies covering the hillsides.  This time, it was hearty short sunflowers all along the ditches paralleling the road.  Wish I'd had my pruning shears on me! 

don't know what those yellow flowered things are....a quick 'drive by shooting'

My husband has been having tremendous pain in both ankles for a week.  It's so bad that he can barely walk, and he's fallen three times trying to do so.  So, I sprang into action and bought a shower chair, walker, and borrowed a transport chair from a neighbor.  The transport chair came later because I had hoped he would recover in a few days.  Now, with the chair, we can go to the bistro and have lunch and dinner.

So, I'm chair pusher, house keeper and cook for awhile.  All complicated by the fact that I'm have great joint pain in my legs and hips.  Someday I'll stop groaning and wincing in pain every time I stand up from a chair or couch.  But now is not that time.  The pain should go away once I've had my over active parathyroid glad removed.  That process is going slowly...I finally had my appointment with the ENT surgeon, and he performed an ultra sound which revealed additional nodules on my thyroid gland!  It will have to be biopsied and removed at the same time they remove the parathyroid gland.  I don't know if this means I'll lose my entire thyroid gland, or just the part that has the nodules in it.  Stay tuned.

And, may I say, I could use a goddamn break.  I wonder what happened to that woman who was working out at the gym for 18 mos., steady as clockwork?  I miss her and I want her back.  I did manage to finally go to the 8:00 a.m. water aerobics class here at the Big House.  It was great, and I'm going back for 3x a week sessions.  It was a very good workout and, big plus, it was fun.  I even swam on my own yesterday, and took S. along so he could get some exercise.  He enjoyed it immensely and we'll go back on weekends.  I may even get him to join us at the weekday classes.

I wish you a good week, truly, and joy wherever and whenever you can find it.  Look for it!

White Tara. She offers healing to our wounds, whether it is our bodies or our minds that have been hurt.

OM TARE TUTTARE TURE MAMA AYUH PUNYA JNANA 

PUSTIME KURU SVAHA.

Wordless Wednesday - Paris

Wordless Wednesday

Monday Musings

I listened to a fascinating interview about why and  how we treat some animals like  humans, and others not so much. 

It's a long interview, but some of the points I came away with are 1.) Americans are madly in love with their dogs 2.) many other cultures are revolted at the idea of having animals in the house -- and forget about the bed! To them, having a dog sleep in your bed with you is equivalent to having a rat from the street on your mattress along side of you. 

So many of us are living alone these days and perhaps that it is one reason we are so enamored with our pooches. Or cats, or birds: you get the idea. They are the bright spots in many peoples day -- someone to come home to, a creature to greet you and love you with abandon.

The other big surprise for me: some studies show that people who have pets have a better quality of life and live longer.  That was a bedrock notion for me.  Now, this interview concludes, there are also studies which site the exact opposite.  What?!  All I know is, my dogs give me great joy and great are at times a great inconvenience.  Responding to their need to pee or poo at night, after I'm full from dinner and ready for bed is sometimes a torture.  I don't have a yard that I can let them out into anymore, so I've got to walk them.  The little one will take care of business right outside our back door, while the bigger one needs a good 15 minute walk before he gets busy.  And in the rain?  Please.

On the other hand, I get to wake up next to those big bulgy adoring eyes every morning.  I get to enjoy antics daily.  I laugh.  I admire.  I fawn. 

I do know the joy of first love when your new dog comes home with you, and the incredible anguish when they die.  And they will, and you know it, and you just hope it is years down the line.  When my chihuahua was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, I fell apart in the waiting room at the vet's office.  I agreed immediately to surgery (whatever the cost) and the surgery went well.  Then, a year later, the same kind of tumor was found in the lip of her mouth.  Another surgery, and I asked them to take as little as they could so as not to disfigure her terribly.  They did a good job, and now she has a little sneer owing to the lopsidedness of her mouth.  They didn't get it all, but they said it was slow growing, and she has not had it since.  Sometimes I imagine the day that the life passes out of her little five pound, three legged body, and I am overcome with grief.  I suppose it's a rehearsal for the inevitable.

A blogging friend's dog, who shares a name with my little one, needed to be euthanized recently, and I can't tell you how very sad I am.  Her readers came to know both her adorable Goldens, and came to love them from afar.  One died many years ago, the other just now.  Funny how I dog I've never met or touched has impacted me so much.  I gave my Golden an extra bit of love this morning.

Because you never know.

Monday Musings

I was listening to music today, and this song came on. It's one that I've always loved -- for the music more than the words.  I looked up the words today, and, wow.  The universe works in mysterious ways.

Shotgun Down the Avalanche

I'm riding shotgun down the avalanche, ooh
Tumbling and falling down the avalanche, ooh

So be quiet tonight
The stars shine bright
On this mountain of new fallen snow
But I will raise my voice into the void
You have left me nowhere to go

I love you so much and it's so bizarre
A mystery that goes on and on and on
This is the best thing and the very most hard
And we don't get along

After countless appeals
We keep spinning our wheels
On this mountain of new fallen snow
So I let go the catch and we are over the edge
You have left me nowhere to go

I'm riding shotgun down the avalanche

Sometimes you make me lose my will to live
And just become a beacon for your soul
But the past is stronger than my will to forgive
Forgive…

I'm riding shotgun down the avalanche, ooh
Tumbling and falling down the avalanche, ooh

So be quiet tonight
Be sure to step lightly
On this mountain of new fallen snow
But I will raise up my voice into the void
You have left me nowhere to go

I'm riding shotgun down the avalanche

Breaks my heart.  There is music aplenty about the heart of love.  Sometimes it seems that my life has an overabundance of the heartache of love.  I'm not looking for pity or soothing words, I'm just stating how I feel today.  I have felt the good love of my family (in particular my daughter and grandchildren) and certainly a great wonderful group of friends.  But coupling?  Romantic love?  Damn, it's been hard.  As Shawn says, "This is the best thing and the very most hard."

*** A few hours later, after a walk and some conversation, I feel much more steady.  See?  Like the Buddhists say, it's just stuff passing by and through.  You can observe it and watch it come and go.

TGIF - Dieting Saga

What a week.

I had been waiting for a call from the nurse at the Bariatric Center to schedule my sleeve surgery, but that call didn't come.  So I called her.  She told me that I am now required to lose 17 pounds before they will schedule surgery!

That could take months!  I've been on a 1200 a day calorie count for about 3 weeks and lost a total of 2 pounds.  Sigh.

Yes, I did have a big ol' pity party, and I was angry. But I 'talked' with other patients through our on-line support group, and a few reported the same thing.  One woman was told she had to lose 38 pounds!  She lost 20 and then they scheduled her.

These docs and nurses are not foolin' around. It's an elective surgery and they want to make sure you are as prepared as can be.  There is also a battery of tests that need to be done pre-surgery:  colonoscopy, mammogram,  "Well Woman visit with Pap smear."  So I at least have these scheduled so they'll be out of the way by the time I get approved.  I have this terrible feeling I will go through all of this and then will be denied by my insurance company.  Not likely to happen, since they approved all the visits to get to this point, but still.  I'm tired of surprises.  Neither one of the nutritionists I worked with mentioned this large of a weight loss this quickly. 

After two days of raging and crying, I got real.  I ordered a meal-replacement shake that has all kinds of good nutrients in it, low sugar and high plant protein.  I had that for breakfast and lunch today.  I also took a thirty-five minute walk this morning (see lovely trail above) which I haven't been doing. I know I should have been.  I've been taking fifteen minute walks a couple of times a day.  After feeling pretty sluggish starting out, I felt very good when I returned home, both physically and emotionally.  I did it!  Now to keep doing in five to six days a week.  Next week I'm upping it to two thirty minute walks.

I had this scrumptious salad for dinner:  lots of greens, carrots, red pepper, grilled asparagus, garlic, 1/2 cup ow fat cottage cheese and 2 oz. sliced turkey from the deli.  I used 2 tbs of Newman's Own Balsamic to dress it.  (yes, I use measuring cups and spoons) It was delicious and I was starving.  I savored every damn bite.

Granted, I could have been doing this for the last two months.  Dieting is hard; it requires mental and physical discipline.  Frankly, obviously, I wasn't up to it.  The conversation with the nurse was the wake-up call I needed.

These are all  habits I let go of when my lap band was removed in January this year.  I was like a kid in a candy shop -- I ate much more than my body requires, and so I gained 19 pounds in six months.  It was a frickin' free for all, I tell ya.  Moments of pleasure that had very negative side-effects.  For now, lesson learned.  Big time.

I plan to use this post when my resolve is flagging.  And it will.  But not today.

“All things are difficult before they are easy.”  Thomas Fuller

Wordless Wednesday

Monet's Garden

Monday Musings

I watched an excellent movie:  Echo in the Canyon.  The musical goings on in 1965 through 67 in Laurel Canyon, Los Angeles.  If you were influenced by Buffalo Springfield, The Mamas and the Papas, The Byrds, The Beach Boys, this movie is for  you.  Jakob Dylan produced the movie and does the interviews with Jackson Browne, Brian Wilson, Steven Stills, Michelle Phillips, Eric Clapton, Roger McGuinn, and David Crosby.  Mr. Dylan produced a concert featuring current musical artists singing all the old folk/rock songs.  Funny thing, this movie really changed my perception of the Beach Boys.  I won't give away why, but watch it yourself and see.  It was also very nice to get out of the house, be on my own for the afternoon.

I had brunch with Dad, Mom and Sister for Father's Day.  We ate upstairs, though Dad is  really bored with the standard Sunday buffet fare.  Far easier, however, than getting out to a restaurant!    This is one of my favorite photos of Dad and me, and it was taken about 7 or 8 years ago when we were at a baseball game, which we used to go to often.

We had recently moved to Sacramento, and Mom was barely mobile at that point (after her second hip break) so Dad and I would go to the games.  

I'm not a huge fan of organized sports, but I'd go for him, and the pork sliders and the $2 beer.  Good times.

The things we do for those we love, eh?

I've been doing a lot for my husband over the years -- all the mundane but necessary tasks to keep hearth, home and health in good shape.  He did a lot for me as well. I shared this life with someone who enjoyed many of the same things I enjoyed, and whose values aligned with mine.  Who is smart, and funny.

He gave me a life that was comfortable and financially secure -- for the first time in my adult life I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck.  It was a welcomed relief. Sure, he has his quirks, but do I.  Welcome to the human race! I thought we had a good life.  I thought I had found my forever partner.  We had each other to rely on.  Now? Not so much. 

I turn once again to Pema Chodron for some good heart advice. 

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart.” 

 And here I am.  Paying attention to my heart.