Wordless Wednesday

Monday Musings

 As California burns and I fret about my friends and family there, here in Colorado we are having our third snow since I moved here September 15th.  This one will be the biggest - 4 inches overnight, another 3 forecast for tonight.  Not a big deal for those who live in big snow areas, but for me this is a deal.  I can't get an appointment for snow tires until November 6th.  I wish I had thought about scheduling sooner, but I do have a daughter and son-in-law who will pick me up to run errands if need be.

It is pretty, though, yes?  I have a very efficient gas fireplace which keeps me toasty while watching television.  Lucy has a little sheepskin next to the fire that she curls up on.  I'm delighted that she is now going out in the white stuff to do her business -- she wasn't doing that during our first storm and I bought a box and litter to train her for indoor use.  So far she has no interest in it, which will be fine if she'll continue to go outdoors.  I finally found a good jacket with Velcro fasteners and she tolerates it.  I also bought little rubber (they look like balloons) foot coverings, though I've not tried them yet.  I'm intimidated by them, or rather by the distinct possibility of her hating them.

Two of my neighbors trudged through the snow yesterday to welcome me to the neighborhood with this lovely fruit plate.  So very thoughtful and kind.  A very auspicious start to my new community.

I'm still unpacking, naturally.  Now the question of how to get rid of all these boxes and all this paper.  There are a couple of websites where I think I can post "FREE MOVING BOXES AND WRAP" and that's one of my goals for later today: figure that one out and get it posted.

I was hoping to do a little furniture shopping this week, but the weather may keep me from it.  No matter, I have the essentials: one living room chair with side tables, an office desk and bookshelves, a queen sized bed.  Better than nothing, that's for sure.

So many details to be worked out.  I'm taking things one step at a time, and have adopted a very relaxed attitude when it comes to what to do when.  I prioritize:  medications first (got my RXs switched to new pharmacy); utilities (all hooked up); cable and internet (done!) and soon: snow tires.

I'm doing pretty damn well, actually.  Taking care of business, my health, my pup and my home.  My heart (emotionally and medically) is stable; my blood sugars are all over the map but I'm staying on top of it.

I'm not in California breathing all that deadly smoke or standing by for an evacuation alert.

It could be worse.

"If we threw all our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back." Anonymous

Happy Monday!

Wordless Wednesday

TGIF

Yesterday marked the 30th anniversary of the Loma Prieta earthquake in California.  I was living about 7 miles from the epicenter, having vacated my marital home two days earlier.  I left my husband and took our 20 month old daughter with me and moved in with friends for a few months while I figured out what to do next.

Jump thirty years into the future.  I left my second husband September 13 and moved to Colorado from the Sacramento area.  This time to join my daughter and her family, who had moved to Ft. Collins two years ago.  So, here, now, on this anniversary again, I have been out of my marital home for just over a month.  Strange how things work out, isn't it?  What is it about autumn?

The earthquake was quite a trauma, though leaving my husband at the time was not.  It was a big relief, even with the daunting task of being a single parent.  I was out of a bad situation that had been going on for years and wasn't going to resolve.  I'd had it up to my eyeballs and needed to get out of that relationship to save my sanity and my health.  Luckily, my daughter and her father had a good and consistent relationship after the divorce.  A few hiccups here and there, but still, on the whole it worked well and she's turned out to be a lovely human being who is very close to both of her parents.

My latest departure, well, it was much more fraught.  Sudden, unexpected, intolerable.  The only thing that propelled me forward was the knowledge I was going to be near my family, whom I love very much and am happy to report the feeling is mutual.

It is a bit odd being out of the only state of the union I've ever lived in.  I've been coming here for twenty years to visit friends, so am no stranger to the area, but still, actually living here is going to take some adjustments.  We've already had our first snow and trying to coax my five pound chihuahua to do her 'business' in the cold and wet was impossible.  She held herself for an entire day and night before going out when the temperatures rose and the snow began to melt.

I've got to buy snow tires soon.  Oy.  Never in my life....I'm counting on my son-in-law to steer me in the right direction.

I've got to buy furniture, since I left most of it with my husband in order to spare him the burden of doing that himself.

So many things to do...and the movers come next weekend to move me from the Boulder area to Ft. Collins, an hour's drive north.  I have been fortunate to be living with friends of thirty years, who have, once again, helped me navigate the early days of divorce.  They were there for me 30 years ago,   and every Wednesday night I went there to do laundry, have dinner and fellowship.  The babies played together, the mommies drank a little too much wine, and daddy busied himself in the kitchen whipping up simple but delicious food.  I think this ritual carried on for over a year.  They saved me.  They are saving me again.  The first couple of weeks especially, when I cried all day long, When no words would come out without being strangled in my throat, when I didn't bother putting on make-up because the tears would just make a mess of it.

I realized the other day: hey, I haven't cried today.  I was witnessing my coming to terms with my physical separation from my husband.  I marveled at that fact.

I still do.

Wordless Wednesday

Rocky Mt National Park October 2019

Wordless Wednesday

A New Land

I arrived in Colorado on Sunday, dropping down from Montana into an instantly changed landscape of green hills and big blue sky.  This was the last stretch of three days of driving with my dog Lucy and trusted friend Bret.  Both made the trip easy and companionable.

We left Davis after an excruciatingly tearful good-bye to my parents.  I just could not hold it together, and I wanted to say things, to talk, and yet the sobs were all that escaped my mouth.  My mother said that she was holding her words, for the very same reason.  She did not want to break down in front of me.  We are the family of the stiff upper lip.

As we were getting into the car in the garage, my friends Susan and Boyd were just setting off on their bike ride.  Sue dismounted and we hugged.  Boyd gave me a manly stiff torso kind of hug.  Much like my dad.  These are the folks who inspired Steve and I to ride the recumbent trikes, and we had some good rides together.  So very sad to leave them, we had many good times together, both at the Big House and trips to San Francisco and the Sierra foothills.

We breezed through Reno in no time at all and over nighted in Elko, Nevada.  Turns out, Elko is where my maternal grandfather died peacefully in his sleep while on a trip to his cabin.  He went there for decades for the hunting and fishing and to just get away.  Even though Parkinson's left him physically weak and disabled,  he continued to go, and his last trip was with my uncle, his youngest child.

The next day we drove through Utah and felt compelled to stop in Salt Lake to take a walk around the  plaza which houses the LDS Church and all its various buildings and venues.  Lots of young men in white button down shirts and ties, and young women dresses like we did in the sixties -- long flowing dresses with puffy sleeves.  I think we called them "peasant dresses."  Three-legged Lucy proved to be a good ice breaker between the two disheveled Californians wearing immodest shorts, and the faithful of Salt Lake.

Our second night was spent in Rock Springs, Montana, where we dined at an Old Chicago Pizza restaurant.  Of course it was sensory over load with multiple t.v. screens and loud music.  We managed to find a booth in a more out of the way location, and were pleasantly surprised by the menu selections.  Something for everyone, even for those of us who are trying to eat a healthy meal.

There's just so much to tell about the lands we drove through: the Bonneville Salt Flats, long straight stretches of road where I drove 100 mph without a shimmer or whimper from the Nissan Rouge.  There were green rock hills, red stacks of rock that looked as if they would tumble over at any minute.  Finally, the relative lushness and green of Colorado.

After seeing Bret off at the airport shuttle, I am left here on my own, wondering at the trip I've made, both physically and emotionally.  I've had a comfortable landing at the home of friends, and I'm waiting for my furniture to arrive.  I've had a visit with my daughter and her family, and pleasant dinners on the deck overlooking the prairie and the front range of the Rocky Mountains.  I made a drive into Boulder to pick up groceries, and yesterday my friend and I took a leisurely walk down to the lake, Lucy in tow.  All the new scents are intriguing her -- she stops every few feet to thoroughly investigate with her nose.

And I, I dare not put make-up on in the morning because the tears will just make a big mess of it.  Tears, sobs, shakes, come without warning and fairly knock me down.  I grab some tissues, feel the weight of it, invite the sadness to do its work, and then I watch it go away as I stand up and unpack some items or clean my coffee cup, or whatever mundane task I can find.

The shortness of breath from anxiety left me yesterday morning, after days and days of it.  I was sitting on the couch and suddenly realized I was breathing without effort: soft and slow breaths.

There it is, the first leg of a new journey.  I remind myself to go very very slowly and take each day in  small increments of time.  The joy comes, too, and the relief of the every day stress of living with my husband while we uncouple ourselves.  Even at the very end, as I was turning over the keys to him, he wanted me to help him work out a problem with the computer.  No, I said, I'm leaving now.

Leaving. Now.

Monday Musings

I am back from my hiatus.  The grand kids were wonderful, although the eight year old prefers video games and Legos to his dear ol' Bubbe.  The two and a half year old is a bubbly little thing, with powerful lungs and a real sense of aggrieve-ment when things don't go her way, which is several times a day.  Mom and Dad are really good about it - they don't give in, they just go about their business.  I'm impressed.

Eden turned 8 during my visit, and had a great party at a giant jump house.  What's that, you ask?  I didn't know either.  Ft. Collins is a marvelous town for kids: a jump house is a warehouse that is one giant contiguous trampoline of various shapes and sizes.  When my daughter was young, going to the skating rink was the thing: skate your heart out and retire to the side-lines for pizza, pop, cake and presents.  These days, it's jump houses.




We also spent an afternoon at a humongous swimming park.  Packed with young and old, they at least had breaks for "adult swim" and all the rowdy children had to leave the pool for an entire 15 minutes, most of which was spent lining up at the snack bar and refueling.

Then, back into the pools, the slides, the what-nots.  It was quite a scene.  I needed shade, and when we arrived and the kids started setting up on the concrete up against a concrete building I protested.  Us old folk require some accommodation, so we carved out a small spot under some shade trees on the grass.




I also spent a few days with my friends in Longmont, 40 minutes drive south.  We raised our kids together and they moved to Colorado twenty years ago.  Always good to hang out with, we are so comfortable and familiar with one another.  Better than family, in many ways.

After all this great time, and after long and heartfelt conversations with  my kids, I decided I'm moving to Colorado.  It's time to go and do what makes me happy.  Ever since my birthday divorce bomb, I've been living in a daze, not know whether I was coming or going.  This trip decided it for me: there is no place I'd rather be.  Divorce preparations have begun and S. and I are in agreement on critical things, each hoping to make this as painless as possible.  This is a highly condensed version of events, but I'm not in the mood for pouring my guts out.

Suffice it to say, there is a LOT to be done in the next month.  It's overwhelming and sometimes I feel paralyzed by the enormity of it all.  I'm handling it, taking care of business, and maybe when I'm safely there I can let the grief come like a tsunami. 


I am sustained by many friends and family; lovingly supported and affirmed.  I keep their words and their little notes close, to remind me that I am on the right path and that I am loved.

more fun on the lake

"Life is a good teacher and a good friend.  Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it.  Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about."

Pema Chodron, from "When Things Fall Apart"

Gone Fishing

I'm visiting the grand kids (oh, and their parents) in beautiful Colorado for a couple of weeks.  So, I won't be writing here for awhile.  Drop back in sometime in August for the latest and greatest.  In the meantime, peace to you.

Monday Musings

Health. Or disease. Sheesh. I have more than my share of disease of late.  I'm doing a lot of medical testing, and the latest Dexa scans show that, in four years, my osteopenia in my lower spine and left hip has morphed into significant osteoporosis.  I have yet to consult with my doctor, I've just received the news today.  I have much research to do.

I had my parathyroid glands scanned again today to pinpoint the size and location of the growth that is on one of them.  It's of significant size and will need to be surgically removed.  It also seems there are growths on my thyroid which will need to be biopsied. 

My weight loss journey continues, and I have worked diligently for 52 days for a mere 6 lbs loss.  Better than nothing, but....

It's all getting to be too much, and boring all at the same time.  Yawn.

I'm getting a two week break this week and flying to Colorado to visit the grand kids.  The doctors will do their consulting and surgery scheduling and I can keep in touch on-line.  Meanwhile, I will hope for good days that are relatively pain free so I can enjoy my family and friends on my vacation.

The husband and I had a good talk today about the shock and denial that can come with serious diagnosis of disease.  I mean, I've had diabetes for 28 years and sometimes I still throw a fit and/or pity party about all the adjustments this disease requires.  He, on the other hand, has been healthy his entire life, and then gets a diagnosis of Parkinson's.  Still trying to wrap his head around that one.  And THAT stupid disease just keeps throwing curve balls at him which require re-evaluation and adjustment.  

So, with all this news, let me say, I'm working on keeping my spirits up.  With movies, books, and silly things like this:

Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think; just believe that everything will work out in the end.

TGIF

Especially now, with the current President's rampant racism. It's important to remember that once upon a time, our President sang "Amazing Grace." Leave it to Joan Baez to bring us such soulful music about very hard times. It's a sad and frightening time, my friends. I weep most every day with the frustration that comes with watching the country you love disintegrate into bedlam. All needless and avoidable if those who hate could somehow come to see the light. I rely upon my friends, and uplifting music, and the arts, and CBW Sunday Morning. No kidding! I'm also reading dystopian science fiction, which suits my mood right now. What keeps your head above the stinking cesspool?