When Things Fall Apart, We Get Back up Again

I've been holding onto blame these past many months.  He did this, he made me leave.  Anger feels so much better than endless sadness, doesn't it? 

We had a wonderful last trip to France in April.  We both had a strong notion it would be his last trip abroad, and so we wanted to go to the land he loved the most.  Parts of the trip were difficult; driving all over Normandy was nightmarish and exhausting, particularly for me because I was the one driving.  He'd lost the ability to drive the year before.

Still.  We spent time with friends in their idyllic country home outside of Strasbourg, being shown many little villages and farms within a day's drive.  A ancient castle, too, and a grouping of houses built into the side of a mountain of rock.  We shared Easter with them and their extended family and truly felt at home.  Imagine.  Easter in Alsace-Lorraine, eating traditional pastries and local cheeses and honey.

Although he had his diagnosis and was slowing down, he was up for the trip.  We flew first class for the comfort.  We took our time, and we saw a lot.  We returned home very happy.  At least I was.  I didn't know what was to come in June.

It happened, and I left.  It was pure anguish for the both of us.

He let me know yesterday that he will be moving to Assisted Living, and he could barely speak -- a gravely set of words said over the phone.  And then the call cut out.  I called him back and he didn't answer.  I went limp.

I've spent so much time being angry with him, blaming him and cursing him.  Today, after his call, my chest caved, and tears rolled down my cheeks and the dog looked at me like, "what happened to you, lady?"  I've spent the time since that broken call finishing my novel, "The Book woman of Troublesome Creek," loading the dishwasher for another round, calling Home Depot to check on the status of a delivery and other such mundane tasks.   The tears continue their roll...I cannot stop them. 

I watched an interview between Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper about grief.  Grief can be about death (as in the case of this video) or other kinds of endings, like marriages. Stephen's outlook on life is so raw and real (and compassionate), and it stems from his Catholic upbringing but is also, as he states, a central tenet of Buddhism as well: life is suffering. It truly is. And if we know this down to our bones (or our soul) we can embrace that, and embrace all the miraculously good things that come to us in this life as well.

Which brings me to my final thought: My marriage may have ended in a really shitty way, but that doesn't change the fact that I had six years of living and loving well, and for that I am extremely grateful. My old love, a very proud and accomplished man, is in a real predicament now, and he is suffering mightily. So I cry for him and his pain. I cry for myself, and I cry for what might have been. I turn, once again, to Pema Chodron's book, "When Things Fall Apart." I go forward. There is no other choice.

Monday Musings

Finally caught a cold.  Doing okay, but with me it always ends up in the chest aggravating my asthma.  Phooey.

I did venture out on Saturday to take photos for my daughter.  She had a concept in mind for their annual Christmas card.  She usually does the "hectic young family" theme and this year was no different.  It's not hard to get those kinds of shots, because they are a very busy young family, after all!

I stayed for several hours, came home and processed the work and sent her the ones I thought came out the best.  She loves them, and has already put together the collage for her card.  I was invited back in the evening for watching Christmas movies, but decided to stay home and lay low.  I slept like the dead, with the help of Nyquil.

Here are some of the photos I particularly enjoy.

The frowny grumpy one was definitely what we were going for.  Not hard to get this face out of this little girl.

When they were trying to get a normal family portrait in front of the tree, he was fooling around and sticking his butt in the air.  Hahahaha.  I managed one single one where everyone was looking into the camera with either a smile or a neutral expression.  And then my daughter didn't use that one at all!  Oh well, her call, her card.  Her concept is a good one and produced a fun card.

She did one a few years ago when her son was a toddler.  He was so out of sorts they just ended up throwing a bunch of lit Christmas lights over all their heads in a tangled mess.  Her dad got the shot.  It was an hysterically funny card with Eden balling his head off.

My cards are already in the mail.  I enjoy the exercise.  It's a habit that I'll probably never abandon.  I sent one to my friends in La Petite Pierre, France, in hopes that Alice will send me her usual tin of delicious and subtle French Christmas cookies.  Fingers crossed!

TGIF

(click on images to enlarge)

I had some photos from my Paris trip three years ago show up on Facebook this week.  I love that city, its people and the whole vibe of it.  The photos bring back many wonderful memories of walking, walking, walking through Paris streets and observing people.  Stopping at a cafe for lunch or a Perrier with grenadine to refresh and take a load off the feet for a bit.  I probably won't be returning to Paris for many years, as my financial situation is now not what it was.  But I am thankful for the opportunities I had to travel in Europe and Africa over the last five years.

 I won't miss the crowds, however.  My trip this year was marred by the crowded conditions.  It's one reason I don't go to large museums like the Musee du Louvre. I don't want to jostle with other tourists to get a look at the Mona Lisa.  I heard recently they are considering removing it because it attracts too many people.

The walk around Giverny was similarly ruined by too many people.  It would really help to limit the number of visitors at any one time. 

And don't get me started on Versailles.  What a sea of humanity.  Shoulder to shoulder snaking through hallways with no ability to linger or turn around.  There's plenty in Paris and nearby to enjoy without putting yourself through that.

In other news this week, I called the university to see what the heck was up with my change of insurance coverage.  After weeks of unsuccessfully navigating their website (which is undergoing renovation) I got hold of a real live person on the phone, gave her all my information and was assured she would expedite it.  That was October 23.  Nothing has happened since then.  WTF?!  I spoke with a live person again this week and she said she can't  understand why it wasn't processed, but it wasn't.  I gathered up my fist shaking anger and tucked it away so I could have a civil conversation with her and get the job done.  I am not the kind of person who sees a doc once or twice a year.  I'm a very, very frequent flyer due to several chronic illnesses.  So I've been livid that this is taking so long.  She said I'd have my new insurance card by the end of the week, but it came the next day.  A Christmas MIRACLE.  I have a doc appointment today for follow ups and referrals.

It's a very scary proposition to be as ill as I am and have no coverage for a few months.  I mean, I have coverage, but it's in California only, and I've been limping by here in Colorado without a doctor (or in my case, doctors).  I've been able to transfer my prescriptions to my new home and they've been paying for it.  I did have a visit to the ER a couple of weeks ago, and obviously I'm out of area, as they say, so we'll see if it gets covered.  The gal on the phone was explaining that they are switching to a new on-line system for all nine campuses, and they've been having a lot of problems with it.  Great....Same ol' university I've known and disparaged for over thirty years.  And still...I get health insurance, so there's that.

Have a wonderful weekend.

"Don't let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace."  

~ Dali Lama

TGIF

The Mr. Rogers movie, and Mr. Rogers himself, is getting big buzz.  I think it's due in part to how uncivilized our public discourse has become -- we long for kindness and for someone who cares about his fellow man.  Truth be told, when I was a child, I didn't like the show.  I found him rather too solicitous...a trait I wasn't used to seeing in adults.  He kind of creeped me out.  One wonders why my young mind skewed that way, but it did.  When I watch clips of the show now, I see a little of that, but I also see a very gentle and considerate man.  He did great things for racial equality, hosting the first regular black character in the form of Mr. Clemens, a police officer.  The gentleman was also a brilliant tenor, and sang often on the show.

I also remember Mr. Rogers' testimony before congress when the funding of PBS was in doubt.  Eloquent, urgent, and compassionate.  So, I celebrate that his values are being held before the public spotlight once again, and that people are reminded of the importance of treating one another with good will and dignity.  I don't think I'll see the movie, however, as the few clips I've seen of Tom Hanks (playing him brilliantly) just brings back all that slow sweet sugary goodness that rubs me the wrong way.

What's the matter with me?!

This week was eventful in that we had a major snow storm that dumped two feet in two days.  The most snow my kids have seen since moving here two years ago.  Oh, and I suffered two slips on the ice.  I went down hard each time, two days in a row, and now I am admittedly sore all over, from ankle to shoulders.  Turning over in bed last night I noticed that even my torso hurt.  Thanks to the recommendation by friends, I have ordered some modern urban crampons to strap to my shoes. They haven't come yet, and so, this morning I did not take out the recycling because when I looked at the driveway I saw too many ice patches, despite having salt sprinkled there last night.  My poor old body just can't take another fall.  My neighbor Ann said the lady across the street fell in her driveway two years ago and broke her hip.  No thanks.

I put the tree up earlier than I usually do, mostly because we were snowed in and I needed an activity.

The second day of the snow my grand kids and daughter came over to cuddle by the fire and watch Disney movies.  So, two good consequences of the snow.

The plows came through mid-afternoon, after my daughter's car got stuck in my driveway.  She shoveled it out so she could pull all the way in, and then decided to shovel the rest (bless her heart).  I did a bit of shoveling earlier, to clear the driveway before her arrival, and I was a miserable failure.  I took tips from internet on how to shovel -- take a top layer off first, in a big snow, and work your way down.  Much easier on the back.  But still not easy.  I may invest in an electric snow shovel, which works well if you don't let the snow pile up too much.  So you shovel a couple of times instead of once, but it is supposed to be worlds easier and keeps the driveway clear so you can get out if you need to.  So much to learn, including keeping a well stocked pantry and not letting the supply of necessities run low at any point during the winter.

It's a learning curve, and I'm learning.

Thanksgiving was a lovely interlude in the week.  My kids hosted, and their only guests were me and my daughter's father, my first ex-husband.   We all had a great time.  Kevin brought a delicious treat:  pecan stuffed dates wrapped in bacon.  Wow. A party in my mouth.  He's always been a good cook. 

After dinner we watched ET, which I haven't seen since it was released in the early 1980s.  I had forgotten so much of it.  It was more tragic than I remembered, but it all came out right in the end.

I experienced a wee bit of sadness at this, my first holiday post break-up, but I observed it, had my feelings about it, and moved on.  I'm experiencing resilience.

Now if my aching body could bounce back so quickly, I'd be in excellent shape!

"The tragic consequences of life can be overcome by the magical strength that resides 

in the human heart." from the novel Bless Me Ultima.

Wordless Wednesday

Monday Musings

Colorado is a very beautiful state, that goes without saying.  The skies are particularly beautiful and obviously can be enjoyed no matter what part of the state you are in.  Here on the eastern slope of the Rocky Mountains, there are spectacular sunrises and sunsets which seems to last a long time compared to being on the coast.  I was curious about this apparent phenomena and I searched for verification of it and could find none.  So perhaps it is just me.

Here's a view of a typical sunrise from the back of my house.

That's looking southeast.  If I leave my blinds just slightly open at night, I'm awakened by a rich rosy glow which always gets me up so I can see it fully.

At the end of the day yesterday I drove southwest into Boulder to have dinner with friends.  The sky was spectacular the entire drive (one hour) between 4 and 5 o'clock.  I wish there had been a good place to pull over and get some sky photos, but there isn't, and so I took a shot out the car window.

We're expecting a good amount of snow tonight and tomorrow, so on my way home this morning I stopped and stocked up.  I also bought a snow shovel at the grocery store.  Even though the HOA clears snow in the neighborhood, they often don't get around to it until there's quite a build up.  I've learned from neighbors that it's best to shovel your driveway before it gets too deep, in order to avoid driving on the snow and compacting it into sheets of ice.  I'll also be able to shovel a pathway for Lucy to go out and do her 'business.'

I attended a Friendsgiving celebration on Saturday night that was attended by about twenty of my daughter's friends.  It was fun, albeit noisy, and there were plenty of children running around outside in the chill -- without coats!  Such amazing internal heaters they have.  There was another woman there who attended with her kids and grand kids, and we exchanged information so that we could meet for walks and whatnot.  She's from Atlanta and visits her kids several times a year.  I am discovering that Fort Collins is populated with people from all over the United States.  It's rare that I have met a native here.  Someone also mentioned the Newcomer's Club, so I have gone on-line and signed up for that.  All kinds of interest groups from wine tasting to book clubs to hiking and field trips.  I'm looking forward to meeting like-minded folks and establishing some friendships.

I am adjusting to my new life and this move has kick started my engines.  I am defying gravity.

TGIF

Tammi Brown and Bob Reid are singers I have known for decades. I sang with Bob briefly when I was just out of high school. We had a trio with another fellow named Chris Piper. Don't know whatever happend to him. Bob went on to work for arts programs for elementary schools in the Monterey Bay area and made several cds singing with those schoolchildren.

He was also a good friend with Pete Seeger and spent summers on the east coast in music workshops with him. Bob dropped off my map for quite some time, but last year I found in again on Facebook and he is now singing with Judi Yeager, mostly house concerts and small venues. This is a beautiful and familiar song to many:
Lastly, my friends, let me introduce you to Tammi Brown. A million years ago when I was partnered with Lynn, Tammi and Lynn worked together at the university. Tammi was already an accomplished singer but still trying to break in to the music industry. She had been recording at a state of the art studio north of San Francisco. When Lynn and I had our commitment ceremony (remember those quaint vestiges of marriage inequality?) Tammi sang at our ceremony. Tammi is now experiencing great success, performing frequently at Yoshi's. Her range is wide: gospel, popular and jazz.
It fills me with joy to see how her gift has grown over the decades.

There it, folks. My musical friends. Thanks to Robin over at New Dharma Bums for getting me started on the nostalgic musical journey. Hope your Friday is a good one, and your weekend even better.

Monday Musings

I was contacted by an old friend just today.  She and her then husband gave me a safe place to stay when I left my first husband with my toddler in tow.  This is was two days before the Loma Prieta earthquake back in 1989.  We met in child birth class and were instantly drawn to one another.  Our children were born just weeks apart (mine was early, hers was very, very late).  I was 30, she was 40.  She was remarkable in that, at age 40 she  had her first child and she had more energy than I did.  I marveled even more when she had her second child five years later.

After several years, we drifted apart but reconnected many many years later when I moved into a house in her new neighborhood.  It was a brief reconnect, as my then wife was rude to her and everyone was also still working and very busy.  So I was delighted to hear from her today, and it turns out she is still singing (has been for about ten years or so).  I'm embedding the Youtube video of the trio she is with.  Their mission is wonderful: to uplift, inspire and connect.  The Trio was born in the aftermath of the 2016 elections.  I was going to save this video for a Friday music post, but it's so much fun, I can't wait.  It's long, and contains many songs.  If you have the time, it's really worth watching and listening to it all. "Sisters of the Heart" was especially uplifting for me.




(This video disappeared but I've reinserted it. If it goes away again, apologies) A great way to start the week, me thinks. Especially since I've had a wild weekend filled with asthma and coughing. I was in the ER on Saturday night for a few hours because of asthma, and I woke up my poor kids to take me in. My daughter and taken an - uh - sleeping aide so my son-in-law drove me. He was very sweet and brushed aside my apologies. The ER 'experience' was a very good one, however, and they took good care of me, gave me IV prednisone and sent me off with a prescription for more. I'm feeling better, somewhat, this morning, though the asthma is still there and my throat is very raw and sore. Maybe this is a cold. I don't know. I'm planning on going to yoga this morning if I'm feeling up to it. Fingers crossed. I was well enough last night to have the family over for a full-on dinner of roasted chicken, mashes potatoes (with gravy!), asparagus and butternut squash. I had all day to work on it slowly, so I wasn't exhausted, having prepped everything well in advance. It was a hearty meal with my favorite people on the planet.

Let's not forget that this week plans on being another bombshell of testimony in the President's impeachment inquiry. I am riveted. I will be watching for Sonland on Wednesday in particular. Let's hope he doesn't make the mistake of lying to Congress. That has not worked out well for the other seven men associated with Trump.

TGIF

Another Friday, more music! Here's a video by my friend Lynn Zanetta. Lynn and I went to high school together, and reconnected about eight years ago. I was surprised to learn that she has quite the musical talent, as a song writer, musician and singer.

She played a lot locally in her small town of Downieville CA. I went with her to a concert in Sacramento and she was singing along in the audience. The person on stage marveled at her voice and wanted to know who she was. I've been to a couple of her house concerts as well. She's a lovely and loving person and I wish I had more opportunities to sing with her.

Nancy Northrup is another friend whose musical career really took off shortly after I met her. We thought we might sing together, but I didn't pass muster with her. I was out of practice, and not really good with improvisation and harmony, which is what she was looking for. So, she went on to team up with others and has had three cds produced by John Beland, famed Nashville studio musician who was also a part of the Flying Burrito Brothers.

 Next week:  Tammi Brown and Bob Reid, two more friends with actual music careers!

Have a great weekend, filled with music!

Wordless Wednesday (almost)

I couldn't let this pass: two months ago today I drove out of my home town on my way to Colorado and my new life.  Sad, yes.  Regrets?  Absolutely not.  It's worked out gloriously.  Now, let's get on with our day.

Wordless Wednesday